One

This is Michelle Kim. She graduated from UCLA with a bachelors in Philosophy, and then went on to Talbot to receive her Masters in Divinity to become a Youth Pastor. She has been serving at Zion Central Presbyterian Church back since her high school years, and continues to faithfully serve at the same church, many, many years later. Anyone who knows her will agree with me when i say that there's really no one else like her. Michelle is that diamond in the rough--literally. She's selfless. She's inspiring. She's a role model. She's caring. She's loving. She's bringing His kingdom unto this earth. i can go on and on for days about how much i love her, but above that, how much she loves God. She hasn't had an easy life by all means, and i don't think i could ever handle the things she's had to deal with the past 27 years. but, FINALLY, michelle gets to be a princess, for once. after dating for over 6 years, her and phil get to finally start planning their life together, as one. michelle finally gets something to go right for her, and i couldn't be happier for them. if it wasn't for Michelle, i wouldn't be able to call myself a christian today. if it wasn't for Michelle, i wouldn't be serving at zion central presbyterian church, or any church for that matter. if it wasn't for Michelle, i wouldn't have had a spiritual mentor who guided me through trivial times. She has been the biggest influence on me these last 8 years of my life, and i don't think i could ever express to her my love and gratitude for all the things she has done. i love her so much and i only want great things for those who i love, and her finally getting engaged, is a great thing. i'm excited for everything to come, and this time next year, she will no longer be Michelle Kim, but Michelle Lee--and i can't WAITTTT!!! God is sovereign, God is good.

finals

i'm tired of studying. i know i said i missed school while i was in Korea, and don't get me wrong, i love being back in a school environment, but i'm just so tired. my brain is fried. i can't think straight. i take the wrong freeways. i leave my purse and wallet in my car all night with my doors unlocked. i'm forgetting things i have to do. i get no exercise.

but, i got exactly what i asked for--to be back at Irvine. and here i am. Thank you, Lord, for You know my heart and desires.

Just one more day of suffering, and i will be free to watch all the Friday Night Light episodes my heart desires, along with the highly anticipated season finale of Glee (those are my initials! G.LEE!).

chris brown-crawl

timing

time is no longer in the form of Month, Date, Year. now, it is in the form of, "2 midterms this thursday" or "Quiz#3 next week". i had no idea halloween was this weekend until my pastor brought it to my attention. kinda sad how i don't know what the date is because my calendar revolves around when i have exams or assignments due.

fall

so, it's fall quarter 2009.

it's weird being back in the routine of school, work, kcm, church, and family/friends.

it's weird to think merely 3 months ago, i was literally dying to come home.

i seriously feel like korea was so long ago, and literally a million things have happened since i've been back. there's been a lot of life changing events, and some not so life changing, but still have just as much of a profound altering effect. when i was having korea withdrawals in september, i think it was just because i wanted to avoid confrontation here. i didn't want to deal with the things going on in my life, in the present, so i wanted to go back, into the past, which isn't the right way to handle things. but, i think i've managed, for the most part.

one good thing about commuting is that it forces me to use my time wisely, aka, study. i'm always at the library or starbucks (with my lovely gold card!), and for the most part, i get a lot accomplished...except, for right now, since i'm blogging. but, i hope with only 12 units and more time spent as a nerd, it reflects in my grades at the end of the quarter. i can't afford to pull what i pulled in my 2nd year of college. change is needed.

one bad thing about commuting is that it is not physically possible for me to drive slower than 75 mph. i honestly cannot drive any slower than that. i really don't know what it is. it also makes me so irritated that people drive in the fast lane, going 65 mph. there needs to be a new law saying anyone who is in the far left lane needs to at least be driving 80 mph, because they just cause traffic and congest the lane (and make my life more stressful).

i did some snipping. much needed snipping. the baggage is gone, for good.

"and i pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge--"

-Ephesians 4: 17-18

blast from the past

i happened to log in to my old xanga account since i was trying to find something to keep me busy while at work, and i found this entry about korea...i think it's a good reminder for me, right now, as i'm still trying to adjust back to life back at home. i have so much on my mind and things to seriously think about, and during all that, i need to know, that i belong to Him.

"i figured most of it out today. i figured out that i'm feeling the way i'm feeling the past 5 months because i don't have this sense of belonging in korea. OBVIOUSLY i don't belong here, but ever since i've stepped foot on the motherland, i just didn't feel right and i didn't know why. today, as i was talking with a friend in a bustling coffee bean, i realized that i don't belong anywhere. there's no KCM, no [home] church, no set group of friends (let alone best friend for that matter), no irvine, no sports team and ultimately, no home. i felt this way at the beginning of my college life because i didn't feel like i was really a part of my dorm, or KCM. but, eventually irvine started to work itself out and became a place where i could feel like i belonged. now, i'm faced with that same problem, only i feel like it's magnified because i'm super sensitive being away from home and on my own. i think everyone has this inner desire and longing to always be a part of something, so that they can feel like they matter because if they were to fall off the face of the planet, people would be wondering where they went. you know?

here, it's so different. i mean, i have all my extended family here and i usually stay with my aunt and her family on the weekends, but i still feel like i'm a burden to them. i can't feel perfectly comfortable in my own skin, and i try to stay out of their way as much as i can. i have a church that i can attend, but it's not really a place i can call "my church". it's hard to get plugged in when i'm 3 hours away and going from a 20 people ministry to 600 people ministry, i don't feel the closeness and warmth like i do back home. with friends, i just don't have that set group of people that i can rely and depend upon. no best friend. i have no IM team, no para-church/ministry, and no mommy.

i think this is why it's been so hard. it's because i've just been floating around, not really seeing the same people, and that means a lack of familiarity. i don't really belong anywhere.

but, maybe this is the place where God wants me to be right now. I have no freaking clue why, but, He does. He wants me to feel unfamiliar, not belonging to anyone, except for Him. I belong to Him"

delivery

random times at night around 1 am, i get cravings of kyochon chicken...and then i get into a debate in my own head about if i should order it or not. is it worth the 16,000 won, or is it not? do i want to go through the terrifying ordeal of ordering in korean, or not?

and after all this back and forth conversation, i realized, i can't order kyochon chicken. :(

then i just climbed into my memory foam bed and fell asleep, all without my favorite chicken.

GG pwned.

in process.

it's been a little over a month since i've been home, and i can't believe it. korea feels like a faded memory that's tucked in the back of my head for a while now, as if it was years and years ago. it's funny how fast life moves, and if you're not careful, things like this will happen. i've gotten swept up in the moment of doing everything i can with every possible person that's willing to play with me. i haven't been able to just sit down and soak in the reasons why god sent me to korea. i've been drowning out his voice with the loudness of surrounding myself with people and family that i can't hear what he's trying to illustrate to me. i feel like even if he's yelling and screaming the lessons at me, it's being drowned out by everything else, and i know god doesn't want that. god doesn't want me to waste the past year of my life; he sent me there for a reason, and i need to know why. i guess i gotta put the brakes on hanging out with people for a while so i can process what exactly has happened. as hard as it is, its for the sake of knowing--and trust me, i need to know.

i miss having freedom. i feel like a caged animal living at home, and i want my independence back. but, not gunna happen for a while. what to do, what to do.

i miss the subway/train/bus rides. having my own car is wonderful, but comes with more responsibilities fiscally.

i love seeing my family, friends and church again.

i love having face to face conversations with people i love most over some good hearty food. i'll never take for granted eating lunch with a friend.

incomplete

i miss korea....

nostalgia

it's been a little over a week since i've arrived in the good ol' US of A. it's kind of surreal being back home and i wish it could slow down just a little bit so i could soak in what is really happening right now. as i came running down the tunnel with my cart full of my bags which encompassed my year long journey in korea, i couldn't just simply walk--i had to sprint. i was so anxious to see my family, especially my mommy, i couldn't get myself to casually stroll down the halls. that first hug with my mom was all that i wanted and from that moment, i knew i was going to be okay. a mom's touch is all that it took.

i've slowly been settling down and trying to get over my jetlag as fast as i can. i got a new phone, registered for school, bought a new (used) car, meeting up with people, and above anything else, i'm spending time with my family. in the midst of all of this, i find myself thinking, "i miss korea". already? is that possible? it's so ironic how god can just suddenly fill your heart with this undeniable love for a person or place or object that you simply cannot ignore Him. i loved everything about korea, the good and the bad.

it's so hard to put into words what i've been through this last year of my life. i feel like it's going to take me a few attempts to really illustrate anything near the real deal, and i hope everyone else is ready. i'm anxious to share and to talk of the things that have just made me grow as a person, that has challenged me to be a better Grace. i've been stretched into every direction humanly possible, i hope i never forget the feeling of what that was like. memories fade fast, so my journals have a big responsibility of helping me relive everything from what i ate to what i hated.

bittersweet. i miss you, Republic of Korea

lasts

last day of teaching.
last day of seeing my kids.
last night in my city/apartment.

it's time to pack up and move back home. leaving something behind has never been this hard, to the point where i was fighting back tears, but failed to do so. it's bittersweet having to say good-bye to those i've met within this past year in korea. i feel like my time isn't complete here, and i feel reluctant to let go of my students and friends that i have developed relationships with. but, i know that i can't live here forever, and life goes on. i never thought i would learn to love this country or this culture, but, never say never. i have fallen deep for this place, and i see myself coming back here for study abroad, and also after i graduate. i think god has given me a heart for Korea, even if it isn't strictly for missions and what not, it has definitely left it's mark. although it hasn't been the easiest year, i don't regret making the decision to come and teach here. it's amazing how God can change one's heart towards a certain thing and show me how naive i actually am (even though i beg to differ). as with anything we face in life, it just takes time.

i thought my last day of teaching would be a weight lifted off my shoulders, but it was the complete opposite. as i was saying good-bye to my kids, tears instantly started to fill my eyes as i had to pretend to be brave (because teachers never cry!). as i made my final walk from school, i let it all out and couldn't bear to think i won't be coming here anymore.

before i came here, the things that i thought i would struggle with most were the things that i enjoyed and the things that i thought i wouldn't struggle with became my stronghold. it's ironic how that always works out, but god is sovereign. there are reasons why certain things were easy to deal with and others, well, not so much, and once again, it's only a matter of letting time take its course to fully understand those reasons.

i wish i could stop time so i could say proper good-byes. everything is getting jammed in these last 3 days i have here, and i know it's inevitable to not be able to see some people before i leave. but, as the cliche goes,

"it's not good-bye, but see you later"

3 days.

home stretch

i cannot believe that it's july, 2009. as i head into the last month of my stay in korea, all i can think about is how fast time has passed, especially these last 5 months. i really cannot comprehend that it's July 1st. 25 more days. i've been spending a lot of time by myself, just thinking; journaling; reading; qt-ing. i'm trying to piece together the puzzle of my year long journey here, and it's not as easy as i thought it would be--nothing ever really is. i've been dreaming about what it would be like to finally start getting ready to go home along with actually being home. i'm hoping the real thing is way better than what i've imagined it to be. now, it's really time to wrap things up. this chapter is coming to an end. 25 more days.

on a lighter note--this weather has been kicking my butt. it's so humid, i can't stand it, to the point where i'm wearing dresses and skirts. haha. i miss so cal summers, that's for sure. i'm also down to just 1 tutoring gig. the two brothers decided to take a break for the month of july/summer, which is more than ok with me. more than the money, i have time to just soak in my last moments here and run any necessary errands after school. or just simply relax.

one of the greatest things in korea is their home food delivery. i've mentioned before how freaking awesome it is, so before i leave, i want to abuse this blessing as much as possible before it's too late. but, i hate how some places always go to the building behind me. it's like half of the places get it right, the other half doesn't and they get all mad because they've been honking their annoying horn for the last 10 minutes at the wrong building. not my fault, right?

saying goodbye has never been easy for me. i wonder how things will turn out this time around.

25 days.

the big 2-1

my birthday has come and gone, and i am now a year older. it's kinda not as fun turning 21 in korea since i'm already allowed to drink here, but once i get back, i know there'll be a lot of "birthday" drinks to catch up on. i had a good time celebrating my birthday, and i was very thankful for everyone who provided me with their company, which is all i could ask for. but, nonetheless, i hope i never have to spend another birthday away from home ever again.

time is ticking. i have 42 days left in the motherland, which equals only 6 weekends to accomplish my remaining goals. gotta visit family, play with friends, maybe a mini weekend trip, and lots of eating. i can't wait.

i've lost sight of god. i stopped fearing Him, and started fearing being alone. i wasn't afraid of losing god, but instead, i was afraid of losing people because i thought it meant that i would have to stand on my own two feet. i've let go of some things and people which has been one of the hardest things i've ever had to do, but, if it means that i'll be on the path back to glorifying god, then it's all worth it.

there's just so much racing through my head. so many things to take care of before i head back. i've decided to spend the next 6 weeks the way i spent my first 6 months here--by myself. slowly but surely.

6 weeks suckas

friendship.

friendship has been a big reoccuring theme throughout this entire journey in korea. whether it's the lack of it or the distance, i've been through a lot of heartache over this. it's kinda weird, heartache because of friendship? my answer is, yes. it's been a very lonely rollercoaster ride these past 10 months and with all my friends being 6,000 miles away i found myself being sad that i'm not with them, or that they're not here with me. i had no one (physically) in the seat next to me.

this past month i've been able to make some friends in my city that i play basketball with. we also hang out outside of the courts so, they've made life somewhat fun again. i've had some of them over a couple times to my place and we just stay up until 5am playing card games, talking, laughing, ordering late night delivery doing what i did back at home and in irvine. for once, i stopped counting down the weeks until i'm back in sunny california. amazing, right? i never ever thought i would get to this place where i am more than content with the way my daily life was playing out. i even found myself thinking "i kinda wish i had another month because 2 months isn't long enough".

now, this is the problem. obviously since i met all of them playing basketball, they're all guys. the one i am closest with has a girlfriend and they've been fighting because i've been hanging out with him too much. it's very against korean culture for people in a relationship to hang out with the opposite sex...even if it's JUST friends. this brings up the age old debate of "can a guy and girl be really good friends without it being anything more than that?" many have said no, but, i've always been a firm believer in, yeah, it is possible. i honestly didn't think it'd be a problem hanging out with him because i see him as just a friend. i never once thought about what this girlfriend might be going through in her head, so after a lot of thinking, i came to the conclusion that i have to lose this closeness with him. this brings me a lot of heartache because i'm gunna go back to the days where each day dragged and i kept looking at a calendar to see how much closer i am to being back home. he was my connection to everything else since he took good care of me. by losing him as a good friend, i lose all other things that has been connected to him. without him, i have no one else. i'm wondering how these next 2 months will play out and if i'll really enjoy my last months here, or if i'tll just be like every other month. i'm ready for some change.

SO, this whole situation has made me very irritated at the fact that society doesn't allow boys and girls to be good friends without any drama or naysayers...and when i say society i mean ANY society. this holds true in american and in korea and probably every other country there is in this world. it's so annoying and i guess it's hard for me to understand since i haven't been in a relationship in a very long time, but still, i can't stand it. why, why, why, why, why? i guess this is just how the world is.

8 weeks.

happy may!

i'm a tad bit late on the "happy may!" part, but it's been a busy busy end of april/first couple weeks of may. the DMZ was awesome and humbling (as is everyday in korea) but i also learned some things about the history of north and south korea. there's a lot of pain, blood and tears shed because of this division and it seems like reunification will never be possible. but, that was for sure a once in a lifetime trip and i even got to go through one of the tunnels that north korean soldiers tried to build to seoul, but they were obviously unsuccessful. it was a great trip.

i've lately also been staying in my city on the weekends instead of going to seoul. i used to be able to do the 10 hours of traveling in 2 days every weekend for the first 9 months, but now, it's just too much. it's weird that i use my weekends to relax because my weekdays are so packed of me being out all day. it's a good change since now i'm not tutoring at my aunts place anymore. it was kind of burdensome to go every single weekend and tutor girls that didn't really want to be tutored. now i can just do whatever i want every weekend. :)

i've been thinking a lot about circumstance and how it shouldn't change the way i live. my circumstances and surroundings have changed drastically since i've gotten here, and i shouldn't let that affect how i live my life as a person and as a christian. it's like, all of a sudden and for the first time in my life i have a large amount in my bankaccount (with much to spare), but should i let that circumstance change my spending habits? it's a blessing to be making the money that i do, so i shouldn't be dropping 300,000 won every weekend just to go shopping or clubbing or whatever. you know? yes, circumstances have changed for me, but does that mean that i have to change along with it? but, at the same time, i'm not saying to not soak in what this country has to offer to me because if i have an amazing opportunity in front of me, i'm obviously going to go after it--and i have and will continute to for the last 2 months (so weird, 2 months!). it hasn't been an easy thing to do; the whole not changing with the circumstances...because korea's culture is very in your face and it's so hard to fight certain things, especially with outter appearance and where my money actually does go, but, other things, like clubbing and drinking, is so easy. it's been a battle, nonetheless, and i've seen many many people fall as a casualty, but i refuse to let circumstance change who i am in Christ. it's a daily fight, and i'm waiting until the day where i don't have to fight it anymore. in other words, i can't wait until i'm home!

it's already mid-may. i'll be home at the end of july. so closeeeeeeeee!
10 weeks.

a Quarter left

i'm closing in on 9 months.

i've been so busy the past couple of weeks as i got another tutoring job during the week. i have these 2 brothers ages 7 and 5, three days a week. most of the time i'm out of my apartment all day until about 9 pm. this is most definitely a positive thing. the less time i have to waste time at home, the faster time will pass. i can't believe i only have 3 months left. it's still a good chunk of time, no doubt, but i'm almost done! i don't wanna get overly anxious about going home, and i also don't wanna think about it too much because it'll lead to me being miserable. just gotta take it one day at a time.

i have the DMZ trip next week, and the following week is Children's day which means a glorious 4 day weekend (probably spent with my aunt, who is 6 hours away, for the last time). just some things here and there that'll help pass the time.

other than that, it's just been the same old stuff going down, and i'm holding up. just a little longer...

"Do not be anxious about anything,
but in everything,
by prayer and petition,
with thanksgiving,
present your requests to God."
-Philippians 4:6

happy april!

today, for the first time, i had to ride the bus in my city to get to my tutor kids house. i'm used to the buses in seoul because they run often and there's so many available to get to where you need to go. but, it's kinda different in a small town. they don't run as quickly and they don't always go to exactly where you need to go. it was seriously such a big learning experience for me. i know what you're thinking, how can you learn anything from riding the local bus? there's a story...

so, after i was done tutoring, i had to take the bus back to my area and so logically i would have to get on across the street from where i got off. get it? i went across the street and got on the bus i took to get there, and deposited 1,000 won (this is how much it costs in seoul). i sat down and was just listening to my ipod, but a few minutes later, this man tapped my shoulder and told me the bus driver was yelling at me to put in another 100 won because it costs 1,100 won! i had no idea because i had my music on really loud and didn't realize the bus driver was trying to get my attention. gg pwned #1. after about 3 stops, the bus stops and everyone gets off and so i realized this was the last stop of the route and i was no where near where i needed to be. gg pwned #2. i asked this man where i needed to stand to go downtown and he directed me across the street and a few minutes later the bus that was rolling up, was the same bus i just got off of 10 minutes ago. gg pwned #3. while finally getting on the right bus in the right direction, i noticed the route it was taking and that the place i need to get on is the same place i need to get off!

so, i guess what i've learned from this and what i'm trying to say is that, by making mistakes and experiencing it first hand is the best way to learn anything in life. when i was growing up i'd always be afraid to do anything wrong in fear that i might get in trouble by my parents or suffer any kind of repercussions, so i tried to be good at everything that i did. i didn't want to disappoint my parents. i wanted to be this perfect person, but i don't know why since my parents never put any pressure on me to excel in school or sports or whatever. BUT what they did do was keep me away from anything that can harm me; aka they were/are overprotective. the don't-get-married-until-you're-35 kind of overprotective (and they really mean this). they never let me venture out to search and learn on my own, they knew what was good and bad for me and they simply wouldn't give me any leeway, no breathing room. now, that i've been on my own for the past 8 months, i've had plenty of time and room to experience the beauty, yes beauty, of making my own mistakes. something as little as getting on the bus at the wrong stop is a learning experience for every person, and it's just a matter of remembering that mistake and to never make it again. this is where a lot of people falter. they make a mistake, and then repeat that over and over again, when the point is to make a mistake, and then never let it happen again. this part is called learning from your mistakes/past experiences; it's a good thing. i'm sure from now until the time i leave i will have plenty more of these little mishaps and get to learn on my own, just a matter of seeing the good they can bring.

"but i trust in your unfailing love;
my heart rejoices in your salvation.
i will sing to the Lord,
for he has been good to me."
Psalm 13:5-6

girls vs. boys

as my time in the classroom continues to increase with each day that passes, i see so many specific things that separate boys from girls, and vice versa. it's amazing how this distinction starts from such an early age, without them(the kids) even noticing how different they are from the opposite gender, through their everyday actions. of course, it's not to say that ALL boys are like this and that ALL girls are like this. generally, girls pay so much closer to details than boys do. when i give them a coloring assignment, girls will always take more time to color neatly and inside the lines. they also make sure to color the buttons a different shade than the jacket, and that the rims of the glasses are not the same as the color of the pictures skin. but boys, will take literally 5 seconds to color the whole thing blue? girls are also definitely more organized with their pencil cases, backpacks and belongings. boys are usually the ones that come back to get something that they forgot in my classroom. it's these little differences that make boys, boys and girls, girls. i LOVE it. i love noticing such tiny aspects of each gender at such a YOUNG age. obviously, these details escalade into different, bigger things as girls and boys get older. some things will never change, no matter how old you get.

16 weeks ya'll.

how did you get here?

as i was greeted by a rambunctious bunch of new 1st graders, one of their first questions they asked me, while staring straight into my face, with confusion written all over theirs, is "did you get here by boat?" that was easily laughed upon while others screamed, "no, she got here by car!!!" or "NO, NO, SHE TOOK A TAXI"dang, 1st graders are so freaking cute. they were all talking to me in korean, and i had to sit there and pretend that i didn't know what they were saying. my response to them was, "what?", "Huh?", "what does that mean?". i wish so much that i could just let out my secret that i do know how to speak/understand/read/write korean!! i think a lot of my older students would be abolsutely shocked and apalled that they've been lied to the past almost 7 months! i feel like i could develop better relationships with them so when i come back to korea, i can come to my city and visit them to see how they've progressed in this journey we call life. but, i can't always have what i want, and i should respect my vice principals request of speaking only english to them.

i recently had a conversation with my brother through AIM, recommending some good programs, so that he can also come here to teach. even though teaching isn't something he is ever going to pursue in the future, i think it will give him experience that you can't gain in the states. there are so many english teachers here that don't ever want to go into teaching when they get back home, but yet, they're here because they can earn good money, learn about korean culture, understand what it's like to be completely on your own, and most importantly, find themselves as a person. it might not be the case with all foreign teachers, but the majority that i've met, they're here because it's a good opportunity. in reality, a year out of the 90 years we live is not long, but within that time frame, you learn and gain so much. but, of course, we ended up in a heated argument (yes, through aim) and it ended up going no where. he has currently been unemployed for the last almost 7 months, and i think right now, this is his best option, and my mother also agrees. he's just too stubborn and wussy to face a year on his own (mind you, he's my OLDER brother that's turning 24 this year). in his exact words, "F*** that, F*** going there for a year". he needs to man up and do what he's gotta do. and that's my 2 cents.

i've been thinking a lot about getting a tattoo and i never realized how much thought goes into getting one. where, what, color, no color, big, small, writing, no writing? YOU KNOW?! there's just so much to consider before you brand yourself for the rest of your life. i want to remember this year for as long as i live, and as i'm closing into the last quarter of my stay, i need to decide! i think i pretty much know i want to get it on my right foot, and i'm really leaning towards getting Korea's national flower (rose of sharon) with the stem being a bible verse written out. i'm not sure exactly how it would look, but hopefully really cool! i'll have to wait and see...

free fallin`

the other day, i found out that i'll be able to go on a cultural trip to the DMZ during April and yesterday, i got another tutoring job. i'm really excited to go visit the border between north and south korea, because it was something i wanted to do once i first got here, and now it's actually gunna happen. i used to be somewhat active in north korea awareness and campaign stuff, going to conferences but not so much anymore. yeah, i still read and try to follow with what's going on, but it's worn off a lot. maybe this trip will reignite that passion i used to have. i'm most definitely looking forward to this trip.

i also got hooked up with another part time tutoring job at this taekwon-do place. it's kinda odd that they want to provide these kids that are learning taekwon-do with an english tutor? i really wouldn't consider this another "job" because it's only once a week for an hour and i get 35,000 won per hour. they'll also pick me up and drop me off, so i don't have to take a taxi or walk. really random how i got this job, but it works for me!

other than that, things have been, remotely the same. i'm still waiting for the weather to start warming up because it's STILL cold here. i've never been through a 5 1/2 month winter season, but i guess there's a first for everything. i can't wait to stop wearing a bazillion layers of clothing and starting playing basketball (which hopefully equals me losing more weight). i miss hawaii :(

happy march!

it's already the 3rd month of the year! i love the beginning of new months because it means i'm that much closer to coming home :)

the new school year started which meant we had another dinner together to welcome the newb teachers. we went to this restaurant right across the street from our school, and their bathroom reminded me of how i will never be a fan of community bar soap and towel. there are often times where the bathroom will have a bar soap as the only option, and i am just not cool with that. obviously, i have no choice but to use the bar of soap that god only knows how many people have touched but also dry my hands with the hand towel that may not have been washed in who knows how long. i'm only princess status when it comes to my sanitation and i just don't like using things that a million other korean people have used. korea also hasn't discovered the beauty of toilet seat covers which also bothers me a lot. it just forces me to be a tree killer and use a bunch of toilet paper to create a makeshift seat cover. i guess thats why korea still has the toilets that are in the ground--a modern version of a hole in the ground.

i start teaching regularly starting next week, but until then, i'm addicted to watching jon and kate plus 8 episodes. cutest kids ever!

new school year

tonight, i had a dinner party(?) to go to for my school. it was mainly to say good-bye to the teachers that are leaving to different schools for this new school year and for a teacher that is retiring after 39(!!!) years of teaching. Koreas school calendar starts from March-July, August is their summer break, then the second half is from September-Mid December. it was kinda weird having to say good-bye when it's only the end of february and i still have 5 more months at this school. a new thing i learned about Koreas education system is that after 4 years at one school, teachers must move to a new one. so, out of about the 20 teachers, only 5 are staying! i don't like how the teachers i developed relationships with have to move to different schools, because they've been so good to me. this new school year doesn't guarantee the same warmness that i received from a few of the teachers at my school. i don't know why the system makes teachers move after 4 years at one place, it doesn't really make much sense to me. i see more hassle than anything else.

the whole night i was bored. i felt like i belonged at the kiddie table. there were 3 little kids there, running around the entire place, and i would have been better off joining them...at least i would have gotten some what of a work out chasing them around. i feel bad towards the other teachers because i think they have to try and make conversation with me so that i don't feel left out. oh the joys of a language barrier.

pros about work parties:
-good food
-good food
-good food

cons about work parties:
-drunk teachers/administrators
-forced conversation
-awkward silences
-karaoke

i love being on break again :) DUDE!! this coming weekend marks 7 months..insane, i tell you.

there's too many things i haven't done yet
there's too many sunsets i haven't seen
you can't waste the day wishing it'd slow down
you would have thought by now,
i'd learned something

200 day Anniversary

Yesterday marked the 200th day of me being in the motherland!! that number sounds so big, and it makes it seem like i've been here for a long time (but it's only been 6 1/2 months!!) at least the days i have left (164) is less than the days i've been here (201) because it used to be the other way around for the longgggest time! don't worry, the only reason i know how long it's been is because i've hand-written in my journal everyday since i've been here, and not because i hate being in korea. there's also an online calculator that did the math for me too :)

i couldn't ask for a better way of celebrating this special day...i ordered chinese food with my university partner along with her friend and stuffed our faces with the best jjajangmyun, tangsuyuk, and jjamppong! the one thing that i love about korea is the home delivery. you can order pizza, chicken, chinese food, spaghetti, meat, mcdonalds...almost ANYTHING to be delivered FOR FREE and all within 15-20 minutes. now, that's great service for you. back in the states, the only thing that gets delivered is pizza and it costs a grip because there's a service charge on top of a tip andddd it takes like 40 minutes if you're lucky. too bad i suck at ordering food because the workers always talk SUPER fast and i get so nervous and start freaking out/getting all self conscious about my korean. it's also hard for me to say my address, and i feel like i talk too slow (because koreans are ALWAYS in a rush, no matter what time of day) i've only ordered in once, but i think i should really try and take advantage of this great service before it's too late!

sometimes, i think i have a sign on my forehead that says, "talk to me, i'm bored". the other day, as i was walking, i got stopped twice within 10 minutes of each other. one was wondering if i attended church or worshipped buddha and the other, i had no idea what they were saying to me. my university partner told me there's a lot of weirdo people that try and talk to you, ultimately to get you to give them money or join their cult/wannabe church. there's also this one time this woman told me she gets good vibes from my face...i guess that person is trying to be a tarot card reader and practicing on unsuspecting foreigners that can hardly speak korean (like me). because you know, that makes perfect sense? my partner told me to never trust them and just tell them i'm a student, so they'll leave me alone. because, why? students = poor. students ain't got no money to give to these psycho people. koreans are weird.

waiting for the weekend...

confrontation

i really don't like any type of confrontation because i tend to freeze up and my mind starts not thinking the right way. the past two days, two different men randomly approached me asking me for money. yesterday, i was sitting in Dunkin Donuts (in korea, it's basically a cafe that has lots of donuts) studying out of my korean book and out of the corner of my eye, i see a homeless person asking the people next to me for some "help". i knew that he would eventually come to me next, and i was quickly trying to think of what i should do. but, i froze. he came to me, with his hand sticking out and said, "please help me"...and what did i do? i just IGNORED him--like, foreal?! that's the BEST thing i could think of?! and he proceeded to just stand there for a few minutes, making me feel really uncomfortable and awkward. i really don't know why i just didn't take out my wallet and give him some change. after he left, i was thinking to myself, "what if that was jesus i just rejected? what if i just said NO, jesus, i don't want to help you?" it kinda got me sad. i wish my mind didn't have a brain fart like it did. then, again today, this random guy stopped me in the middle of the sidewalk and explained to me how he needed bus money and that he didn't have his wallet. he was obviously not homeless and i tried to pretend that i didn't know what he was saying and used the excuse "oh, i'm from america". but, he just kept explaining he needed bus money and so i asked him how much he needed. he said 2,600 won and so for some freaking reason, i pulled out my wallet and i had a 1,000 won bill a 5,000 won bill and tw0 10,000 won bills...you would think i would just give him the 1,000 won but NO, retarded me had to give him the 5,000 won bill. LIKE, FOREAL?! what the hell is wrong with me when it comes to people approaching me like this. i'm dumb enough to even stop and listen to what these people have to say, but on top of that, i give them MONEY. i'm so baffled at what just happened to me earlier today....i keep replaying the situation in my head and am in utter disbelief that i handed a perfectly complete stranger money. and he wasn't even homeless...i wish i wasn't so retarded when it comes to people asking me for money. i just don't know how to react or what to do.

but, in america, this would never happen. first, americans never walk anywhere, so there are no opportunities for people to stop you on the street and ask you for money. second, if any homeless person came into a restaurant/cafe/donut shop or whatever and was bothering customers, asking them for money, they would be asked to leave immediately. so, in reality, i don't how to react because i've never been in these types of situations back in the states.

ugh, but really? why am i so retarded..

betrayal

recently, i had at least 50,000 won ($50) stolen from me. i say at least because i don't know exactly how much i had in my wallet at the time...the only possible place this could have happened was at taekwon-do. this is how my day went prior to the stealing taking place:

-i read and had tea at dunkin donuts right before TKD (my purse was with me the whole time)
-next, i went to TKD (my purse was in the changing room)
-afterwards, we all went to a basketball game (my purse was with me the whole time)
-finally, i picked up some dinner and realize instantly that money was missing from my wallet

the only time my purse/wallet was left unattended would be in the TKD changing room...therefore, it had to be one of the other 3 girls that was there. the thing is, i'm pretty sure it's the TKD masters daughter (who was also one of my 6th grade students). she was the only one who didn't dress/participate in TKD that day (we had our belt tests). i noticed her go into the locker room and i thought to myself she was going to change and take her test, but when she came back out she was still in her normal clothes. then, during the basketball game she randomly pulled out her wallet and showed me her "chinese new years money" (which was all crumpled up in her wallet) that she received. my university partner said that elementary kids do have a tendency to steal from their teachers at school (and that's why women put their purses in like a locker type of thingy in their classrooms). i'm just really shocked that any of those girls would want to steal that much money from me when i've only been really good to them. i've bought them dinner, ice cream, candy, bread and whatever else i could think of, and this is how they repay me. i don't expect anything in return for me buying them anything, but to be that shady and steal money is straight up betrayal. it shows whoever did it has no respect towards me or my property. i talked to the TKD master about this and he basically didn't do anything about it. i obviously don't keep a hidden camera in my bag, so i have no proof that anything got stolen...nonetheless, nothing can be done-which is a shame. now, i'm super paranoid about my wallet and always count how much cash i have and make sure that my purse is never alone with one person.

this is why i always hated carrying around cash back in the states, in case i lost my wallet or it got stolen, but in korea it's not smart to never have any cash. i've found myself in a lot of not so good situations at night where i had less than $10 and almost got really screwed because of it. rule of thumb for me is to have at least 30,000 won ($30) at all times.

these upcoming months will be a lot different. my one friend in my city has gone back home, and 2 new teachers will be coming in at the beginning of march. it's so weird to think that i'm really alone now during the week. no one to eat with, no one to go to emart with. i don't hate korea anymore, i'm finally used to the lifestyle here (doesn't mean i like or accept it). but, at the same time, i miss home every single day.

number of times an ahjussi asked me if i had a boyfriend within the first 5 mins of talking to them:
7

halfway

it's been a while.

January has been a crazy month--in a good way. I had two weeks of English camp which had me very busy prepping each night for a good 2-3 hours. it went by freakishly fast, but at a cost that it drained me to the core. nonetheless, i had a good time with the kids that showed up, and at the same time, i think the kids had fun also. Right after English camp i had "mid-training orientation" for a week and that was also draining and fun at the same time. our schedules were packed to the brim, but it was refreshing seeing familiar faces that spoke english. i also took a short one day trip to 남이섬 (a small island in my city) with my university partner, and it was quite fun (minus the 10 degree weather). this is around the time where it hit me that i've been here for 6 months already! i'm at the halfway point. crazy, huh? i think this next half will be MUCH different from the first half simply due to the fact that my ONE friend in my city will be leaving in less than 2 weeks. one way for me to look at the upcoming months would be "i only have 6 months left to do the things i want/wanted to do..." there are many things and i don't want to have the mentality of "oh, i have so much time here to do everything.." because in reality, 6 months isn't that much time. it's funny, i was sitting in dunkin donuts earlier today, doing my QT on Ephesians (for the first time in a long while) and it says in Chapter 5 starting from verse 15-16,

"Be careful, then, how you live--not as unwise but as wise, making the most of every opportunity, because the days are evil."

making the most of every opportunity--that's so loud and clear. not to say that i haven't been making the most of my opportunities here, but i think more so now since i'm halfway done. who would have thunk that it's biblical to make the most of everything??? amen to that.

so, now i'm on break again until February 9th. the past two days i've done absolutely nothing, so that needs to change. TKD starts up again tomorrow, which is good.

random story/fact:
i went to mcdonald's today and as i was waiting to order, there was an impatient lady waiting for her food. it was pretty busy and there were only 2 girls working the cash registers and stuff, but this lady was so pushy. she got one of the girls' attention and said "i think my food is ready" as she was pointing to the hamburgers in the back along with a look of disgust of "how could she possibly not see that my order is ready"...like, REALLY?! you can't wait another 20 seconds for your damn burgers?! for a country that is all about respect and what not, it's pretty ironic how impatient these people are. get a grip, lady...and while you're at it, get that pole out of you-know-where...

i belong to Him

i figured most of it out today. i figured out that i'm feeling the way i'm feeling the past 5 months because i don't have this sense of belonging in korea. OBVIOUSLY i don't belong here, but ever since i've stepped foot on the motherland, i just didn't feel right and i didn't know why. today, as i was talking with a friend in a bustling coffee bean, i realized that i don't belong anywhere. there's no KCM, no [home] church, no set group of friends (let alone best friend for that matter), no irvine, no sports team and ultimately, no home. i felt this way at the beginning of my college life because i didn't feel like i was really a part of my dorm, or KCM. but, eventually irvine started to work itself out and became a place where i could feel like i belonged. now, i'm faced with that same problem, only i feel like it's magnified because i'm super sensitive being away from home and on my own. i think everyone has this inner desire and longing to always be a part of something, so that they can feel like they matter because if they were to fall off the face of the planet, people would be wondering where they went. you know?

here, it's so different. i mean, i have all my extended family here and i usually stay with my aunt and her family on the weekends, but i still feel like i'm a burden to them. i can't feel perfectly comfortable in my own skin, and i try to stay out of their way as much as i can. i have a church that i can attend, but it's not really a place i can call "my church". it's hard to get plugged in when i'm 3 hours away and going from a 20 people ministry to 600 people ministry, i don't feel the closeness and warmth like i do back home. with friends, i just don't have that set group of people that i can rely and depend upon. no best friend. i have no IM team, no para-church/ministry, and no mommy.

i think this is why it's been so hard. it's because i've just been floating around, not really seeing the same people, and that means a lack of familiarity. i don't really belong anywhere.

but, maybe this is the place where God wants me to be right now. I have no freaking clue why, but, He does. He wants me to feel unfamiliar, not belonging to anyone, except for Him. I belong to Him.