blast from the past

i happened to log in to my old xanga account since i was trying to find something to keep me busy while at work, and i found this entry about korea...i think it's a good reminder for me, right now, as i'm still trying to adjust back to life back at home. i have so much on my mind and things to seriously think about, and during all that, i need to know, that i belong to Him.

"i figured most of it out today. i figured out that i'm feeling the way i'm feeling the past 5 months because i don't have this sense of belonging in korea. OBVIOUSLY i don't belong here, but ever since i've stepped foot on the motherland, i just didn't feel right and i didn't know why. today, as i was talking with a friend in a bustling coffee bean, i realized that i don't belong anywhere. there's no KCM, no [home] church, no set group of friends (let alone best friend for that matter), no irvine, no sports team and ultimately, no home. i felt this way at the beginning of my college life because i didn't feel like i was really a part of my dorm, or KCM. but, eventually irvine started to work itself out and became a place where i could feel like i belonged. now, i'm faced with that same problem, only i feel like it's magnified because i'm super sensitive being away from home and on my own. i think everyone has this inner desire and longing to always be a part of something, so that they can feel like they matter because if they were to fall off the face of the planet, people would be wondering where they went. you know?

here, it's so different. i mean, i have all my extended family here and i usually stay with my aunt and her family on the weekends, but i still feel like i'm a burden to them. i can't feel perfectly comfortable in my own skin, and i try to stay out of their way as much as i can. i have a church that i can attend, but it's not really a place i can call "my church". it's hard to get plugged in when i'm 3 hours away and going from a 20 people ministry to 600 people ministry, i don't feel the closeness and warmth like i do back home. with friends, i just don't have that set group of people that i can rely and depend upon. no best friend. i have no IM team, no para-church/ministry, and no mommy.

i think this is why it's been so hard. it's because i've just been floating around, not really seeing the same people, and that means a lack of familiarity. i don't really belong anywhere.

but, maybe this is the place where God wants me to be right now. I have no freaking clue why, but, He does. He wants me to feel unfamiliar, not belonging to anyone, except for Him. I belong to Him"